If there’s one leadership lesson I wish I’d learnt earlier, it’s this: trust isn’t a grand gesture, it’s a jar of small marbles.
The idea revolved around Brené Brown’s story about how her daughter was distraught when some of her classmates broke her trust, and she was trying to help her understand whom she could trust.
The concept was surprisingly simple; when her friends demonstrated trustworthy behaviour, a marble went into the jar. When they didn’t, the marbles came out.
While powerful, what was really surprising was what constituted a “trustworthy action” by her daughter.
What a full “Marble Jar” friend looks like
When kids describe the friends they truly trust, they rarely talk about heroics or a major moment. What mattered to them were the tiny, consistent moments:
- Remembering a grandparent’s name
- Saving them a seat during lunch when they were late
- Checking in on them when they were not in school because they were sick
- Making sure that they are included in activities and moments
When you translate that from the classroom to the work environment, what is being described would be the colleague who follows through, the manager who checks on your parents’ medical condition, and the partner who protects shared information.
Small actions, repeated often, fill the jar. Small betrayals in the form of gossip, missed commitments, and broken boundaries result in the marbles being taken out fast.
Self-trust comes first
The hard truth is that many “trust problems” start with low self-trust. If your own jar is empty, you’ll either cling too tightly or overshare to fast-track closeness. A quick self-audit helps:
- Do I keep my boundaries?
- Was I reliable with myself (rest, focus, promises)?
- Did I hold myself accountable without self-shaming?
- Did I keep my stories in the vault where appropriate?
- Did I act with integrity under pressure?
- Was I non-judgmental when I needed help?
- Did I extend generosity to myself, not just others?
Leaders who trust themselves create psychological safety for those around them. Leaders who don’t create chaos.
For Leaders & Mentors: How to fill the jar
Practical moves you can implement this quarter:
- Operationalise boundaries
Clarify “office hours”, response-time norms, and decision rights. Publish them. Protect them. - Make reliability measurable
Replace vague promises with visible commitments: owners, deadlines, definitions of “done”. Review weekly. - Normalise accountability
Use blameless post-mortems: what happened, what we learnt, what we’ll do next time. Set the tone by going first. - Strengthen the vault
Ban “common-enemy intimacy” (bonding by bashing absent people). Praise in public. give feedback in private. - Lead with integrity
Tie decisions to stated values in writing: “We chose X because value Y matters more than Z.” - Reward non-judgmental help-seeking
Celebrate smart escalation and early flagging, not heroic firefighting at the eleventh hour. - Practise generosity in conflict
Start tough conversations with a generous assumption: “I’m assuming positive intent. Can we compare notes?”
For Parents: Building the foundations
- Defining what the marbles look like:
Help the kids learn how to identify what trust looks like in action. Does spending time with you equate to being trustworthy, or does it have to be something intentional (quantitative vs qualitative)? - Teaching the children how to learn:
Rather than providing the solution when the kids do something wrong (“That story wasn’t yours to tell”), help them to learn how to rationalise and judge for themselves (“How would you feel if someone did that to you without your permission”). - Be a model for what life actually looks like:
As a parent, it is a natural desire to shield our children from the harsher realities of life. However, this often translates into us not being willing to ask for help in their presence.
Rather than trying to be that “superhero” who is infallible, consider being vulnerable and demonstrating that it is fine to seek support when needed.
How to respond when the jar spills
It is no surprise that trust breaks fast and mends slowly. If you’ve upset the jar, here is what you can do:
- Acknowledge the breach
Be truthful and factual about the failure and the impact it has on the other party. - Apologise sincerely
Avoid the temptation to justify why the breach in trust happened. Someone once told me years ago, “Anything that is said before a BUT has no meaning.” - Ask what reconciliation looks like
What you would like someone to do when they make a mistake might not be what the other party is expecting. Do not assume! - Rebuild with consistency, not rhetoric
Focus on doing small, repeated actions over time, rather than a one-off gesture, to rebuild trust.
Final Thought
We love the idea that trust is magically built on day one just because the new leader made a stirring speech.
Unfortunately, the reality is that it doesn’t.
Trust arrives one marble at a time: a remembered name, a kept promise, a quiet check-in, a hard truth told kindly.
If you want more trust, be it in your team, your family, or yourself, don’t chase grand gestures. Start filling the jar with the marbles.
— Terrence Quah